InSidE oUt

The View from a Ship

Why did God give us feelings? Wouldn’t life be easier if we lived without them? Wouldn’t we be able to accomplish so much more without feelings getting in the way? Can you imagine a life without guilt, anxiety, fear and the mother of all feelings – pain. Of course, on the flipside, a life without feelings would be a life without love, affection, pleasure, joy and happiness. But how much of those things do we really feel on the larger scale of things. It seems to me that most of us live more of life with the ugly side feelings than with the good.

But you could argue that our experience of feelings is entirely subjective. You feel as good or as bad as you want to. Happiness is a choice, they would say. But what do we do if we can’t find the strength to make that choice, sometimes in the face of irreversible pain. Is it a lack in our willingness or in our ability?

So many of the greatest minds, men and lives testify to the fact that it was the hardest times in their lives that made them who they were. For instance, Malcolm Muggeridge said he had learnt more from pain than from all the success of his illustrious journalistic career. But not everyone shares that view of pain with any form of eagerness. Opponents would say that pain is nothing short of being absolutely meaningless.

All I know is that when I have felt good, emotions seemed like a gift from God and when I have felt bad, they seemed to be a curse upon men. The value of emotions is priceless in times of pleasure and worthless in times of pain. So why feel?

I think that some form of the answer lies in the fundamental assumption that joy and pain can co-exist. While the weight of emotions take their toll on a soul that is weary it is the joy that comes from knowing God and His good purpose that keeps our ships from sinking.

I think that the reason God gives us feelings in spite of the possibility of intense pain is the same as one of the reasons that a ship goes out to sail in spite of the possibility of sinking – because it places its faith in a captain who will guide the ship even through treacherous waters and perhaps because the view alone is worth it. The best of feelings is greater than the worst of pain; and when you have a captain who has promised to lead you home, the joy outweighs the pain.

Saddest part bout working from home is that long weekends lose their value. It doesnt mean anythin more than a regular working day. U jus get to stay home like the other usual days. Only difference being, this time, since its 26th jan, chances of going out for an outing also seem faint, coz of all the “if”s n the ”in case”s.

I have absolutely no plans as of now. Have so many people to meet up with. But am just not managing to bring myself to make those phone calls. What do u call it? Lazy…. yeah thats the word.  And my below normal cellphone balance is partly to blame, but then again, its perennially that way, so yes back to back to option ‘a’—-”lazy”.

Meeting with the big guy went well. Heard the word “good” for the first time. All by His grace.

Have a new deadline – this thursday. Lots of work again. But have lost the momentum. Trying to get it back. Still thinking bout how best to use the 3 days ahead. Ppl at church have left for a camp. I could have gone, if i had known the date of the next meeting. Now i am left in search of a church for this sunday. Any ideas pls lemme know. Chennai.

Down with a cold, sound like a braying donkey. And unfortunately for my roomies, I have been singin more than usual today.

The past coupla weeks have been hard. Hard, not because of being an object of ridicule or any illness or harassment at work or anythin else that might be making a normal persons life miserable. There was this constant heaviness in the eair that kinda brought down my spirits. Some form of burden that was not goin away even after a good nights sleep. I was not even able to drown it away like I usually do for things that bother. Even ignorance did not seem to work. What was it? And why wasn’t it leaving me.

 Whats been bothering me is something i realised only much later.

Ever since i can remember. I never really had trouble in anything that had remotely to do with academics. In the sense, I could score well, grasp well and basically never been in a situation where i had to really exert myelf to “learn” except this one time when i had to learn social studies in hindi….. sheesh!!!  I would say, these were things that came naturally to me. Or so i was under the impression.

It is because of this past, that I had totally underrated God’s Grace and became oblivious to the fact that I never did anything to deserve any of the things that i have been blessed with. It is just out of His sheer mercy. It never occured to me that life could be otherwise. That i will have to go through a struggle to grasp, to understand, to think. I am referring to my project situation here.

It is now, during the past weeks, the initial coding stages of my project that i have come to the realization, that situations can be either way. For the first time, I had to struggle. Struggle to program, something which i love and something which i thought was second nature to me.( PLS NOTE THE WORD “THOUGHT”—> meaning i KNOW I AM WRONG). I was going through a form of depression without really knowing it. This sunday at church. It dawned on me. The truth. I could see the wounded ego/pride in myself. And how much of damage it had done.

 What’s essential is not to forget the source of strength. Not to forget the reality of who we are. The dust that we came from, the mere mortals that we are and will be. And also not to forget who we are in Christ Jesus. Then understand the greatness of the one who made us. Understand His supremacy, power, grace and most of all His LOVE.

Now, after i have accepted the reality. I am beginning to depend on Him. Realising our shortcomings is not always easy. Pride blinds us. Its upto us to constantly remind ourselves of the nothingness we came from and the greatness that we can achieve through Him.

My project is finally headed somewhere. So what if its not a fiery start. A start nevertheless.

A recent revelation. Most problems u might be facing in your life right now, u will find, might have in some way or the other trace back its origin to a miscommuncation or lack of communication or no communication at all.

Think bout it. Your last fight with your friend, parents, siblings, boyfriend/girlfriend? So many times, we take people for granted. Expect them to “know”,”understand”, “adjust”. We just fail to see the need to word our thoughts.

And I am not just talking bout people. Consider your relationship with God. How often do we take Him for granted, how often do we ask him to “adjust” his schedule with ours. How often do we just expect him to “know” our needs, “understand” how busy we are. Not that he doesnt. He does. But he is just waiting for the time when we stop keeping him on the sidelines and make him the star player of our life. And communicate with him. Tell Him how great he is, how much we need him, and how much we are grateful for all He has done.

Review was more or less what i thought it would be like. Loooooong! BORING! Not more so when i was talkin but for the poor souls listening… i mean including the review panel. But am glad its over.

But being in hostel when almost all the rooms around urs are locked and most of all, the ones that u r a regular visitor to are locked and u know wont be opened while u are there is pretty depressing. But it was great to meet some friends after a long time and getting to spend time with the people you care about. was a refreshing change from the project rut that i was getting sucked into. Though it was just a few days, i liked it.

Now, in a matter of few hours i will be heading back to base, but this time, its definitely not going to be even half as easy uptil now. But the weird thing is…. i am not that afraid anymore. Some form of willingness to work has set in. Some inner strength seems to have taken over. Really thank God for it. And i am hoping against hope that it will last till the end.

Was just thinking bout how not apt the title is for this blog………. Should either change the blog title or put up some sensible posts.

Updates regarding past week. After gettin a solid shelling at work, decided to do some work for a change.  So our target—to impress our tech guy/proj leader/dunno what he is called with our final design doc. And finally dint do a bad job. Was like a huge load off. Am not used to gettin yelled at for “bad” work….. yes am a nerd of sorts. hate to admit it. but i am.

Now am in coimbatore for my first review. Just finshed takin prints. Got to prepare the ppt as well… Will be goin to hostel tomorrow. Call me weird but am Kinda lookin forward to it, the hostel stay i mean.

Found a way to get veronica mars season 3

Today was officially my worst day… ever!

I know christmas is long gone…. This has nothing to do with the christmas actually, just some indian humour…. No offence whatsoever!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yP_eepY-RIc

Have been wanting to talk bout pride for a long time and got somethin while i was reading random blogs. Made me realize how pride can creep in through any given chance.

 While pride is an undeniable reality, I think it takes a bit of humility to admit that you have it. So that the ones who admit they have it are not the proud after all. The ones who are really proud are the ones who can see it in everyone else, except themselves. They are purposefully, stubbornly and resolutely blind to it, and choose to remain that way.

I don’t think I will ever be free from pride. Even if I did manage to be free from pride, I would probably become proud of the fact that I have overcome pride. Ultimately, I think that overcoming pride is like playing hide and seek. Pride wins when the proud are blind to it, but it loses when the proud admit it. So, go seeking and when you find pride hiding in the darkest corners of your heart and mind, call it like it is and win a game or two.