InSidE oUt

So bangalore it is then! But it turns out, since there are no projects at hand(mainframes), we will be doing testing! TESTING! They call it “Qualtiy and Analysis/Validation”! I just hope and pray that I begin to like what I will do doing. Thats the only way I can survive a year. Anyway, am just glad there is no uncertainity regarding this.

Frankly speaking am not really used to “it” happening. I manage to get my way(almost always) by nagging, whining, cribbing, crying, begging, pleading, scaring, emotionally blackmailing and various other ways as long as it is within my place to do somethin about it(not denying that i have not done it otherwise). Call me childish, immature, self-obsessed, vain but that does not change the fact that I have done it in the past and  I have been doing it without so much as to giving it a second thought. Until recently(may not be your defintion of recent), when due to circumstances and certain experiences, I was made to introspect myself. I could so clearly spot all these areas in my life that totally disgusted me. Am in the process of change like almost every other individual who has had these “experiences” I am talking about.

Past coupla days have brought with them news that I would not exactly call “glad tidings”. My dad is getting posted back to cochin, which happens to be the only place i detest out of all the places i have been to. Why? Not so good memories, not having any friends, the whole “green” atmosphere saps all the happiness outta me. But the main reason I was not open to the idea of moving rather my parents moving, is that I have fallen in love with Vizag. Mostly the church and the people I have gotten to know in the past few years. Am gonna miss them sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. The church has been such an AMAZING source of strength and it was only in vizag that I could see what the bible says bout a church actually exists. I will hold the church really close to my heart wherever I go. Wish things dint have to happen this way. But I know there has to be a purpose for everything that happens. And as long as it is as per His plan, I dont think it is my place to “crib” about it.

And the latest blow, I have to stay back in chennai for an extra 2 weeks as per the wishes of my project manager. I guess its better than having to come back later on. But I had my mind set on spending time in the hostel. This would mean lesser time in the hostel but I guess a better completion.

Man, when God is teaching, He REALLY teaches.

Apart from that, today was one of those mediocre days, did nothin special except get another hair cut. Why again? Its not even been a month? I dunno. I just like being able to touch freshly cut hair. I feel like its my birthright to be able to get my hair cut every once in a month. No one seems to understand that. Besides it also happens to be good for the hair, the ends becoming rough fast n all…. Anyone with doubts/queries bout that, mail me!

And I also spent a good half an hour trying to explain myself to 3 different people at the same reliance web world center. Whats so difficult to understand? I got my connection in coimbatore, its on my friends name. The address proof of which has been submitted not once, but twice. I have been living in chennai for the past 3 months. Things have been fine until lately, I was being harrassed by those computerised phone calls, threatening to barr service unless i submit my address proof.

It so happens that since i am using their “reliable” service in chennai. I need to show them a chhennai address proof, which i tried explaining would be impossible coz i dont live in chennai. The only answer they can come up with is “Sorry maam, those are the rules”… So what am i supposed to do? Live with no outgoing for the rest of the month? Change my phone(coz there’s is no way i will switch to another reliance connection, which would mean i will have to get a new handset)??? I cant even reply to messages!!

Anyway, they said they would “look into” the matter and let me know tomorrow. So let me just hope for the best.

Sorry but i HAD to get it out of my system…

Woke up today to the “information” that the outgoing service from my cellphone service provider has been blocked. Its shocking how heartless and extremely blunt the SMS was : ” Outgoing service being barred” . Reason being, non-submition of address proof. Which i know for a fact has been done twice in the past one year. I have no idea what they want from me. I think its an international conspiracy against me!

Word of advice: Never Ever choose your service provider based on what your parents say is good.

Basically now my proj manager thinks that we will be of more use to them by working from office. So its back to the 8 hour rut, the dusty,long and claustrophobic bus journeys. I hate to admit it, but I think working from there is definitely a much better idea. I mean lookin past the initial ackwardness and desperate lack of chairs at work, things are pretty good.

We discovered today that we are allowed to use the coffee dispenser and also eat at the cafeteria. Yes, it should have been obvious, but it wasnt! So thanks to Ms Anna & Ms Meryl we stumbled upon this reality. To think that we spent 3 months without givin it a thought ever!

Been 3 months since my “close encounter of a technical kind” began. I have finally realised how totally monotonous and extremely boring it is to look at a computer screen all day, all through the week. Its time I take my future plans seriously. Do i really wanna spend my life doing this? For the initial few years, I have no choice! After that? What happens? I need a plan, direction, motivation, and will power. Its time I decide.

Do I know myself at all? Have i ever made an attempt to do that? Have I made any progress if i have? Why cant I just carry on living without having to “introspect” my actions? Aint ignorance bliss??? Does it really take that much of effort to get to know urself? I mean how hard can it be right? Its U? Who else would know U if not U?? Whats wrong with me? Am I the only one who knows nothing (or not enough) about one’s self or thinks that way?? Is it wrong to not want to know yourself? How on earth can  I be a better person if I dont know myself? Do i want to be a better person? Of course i do! Am i willing to pay the price for that? Am I?

Any answers?

The past coupla weeks have been hard. Hard, not because of being an object of ridicule or any illness or harassment at work or anythin else that might be making a normal persons life miserable. There was this constant heaviness in the eair that kinda brought down my spirits. Some form of burden that was not goin away even after a good nights sleep. I was not even able to drown it away like I usually do for things that bother. Even ignorance did not seem to work. What was it? And why wasn’t it leaving me.

 Whats been bothering me is something i realised only much later.

Ever since i can remember. I never really had trouble in anything that had remotely to do with academics. In the sense, I could score well, grasp well and basically never been in a situation where i had to really exert myelf to “learn” except this one time when i had to learn social studies in hindi….. sheesh!!!  I would say, these were things that came naturally to me. Or so i was under the impression.

It is because of this past, that I had totally underrated God’s Grace and became oblivious to the fact that I never did anything to deserve any of the things that i have been blessed with. It is just out of His sheer mercy. It never occured to me that life could be otherwise. That i will have to go through a struggle to grasp, to understand, to think. I am referring to my project situation here.

It is now, during the past weeks, the initial coding stages of my project that i have come to the realization, that situations can be either way. For the first time, I had to struggle. Struggle to program, something which i love and something which i thought was second nature to me.( PLS NOTE THE WORD “THOUGHT”—> meaning i KNOW I AM WRONG). I was going through a form of depression without really knowing it. This sunday at church. It dawned on me. The truth. I could see the wounded ego/pride in myself. And how much of damage it had done.

 What’s essential is not to forget the source of strength. Not to forget the reality of who we are. The dust that we came from, the mere mortals that we are and will be. And also not to forget who we are in Christ Jesus. Then understand the greatness of the one who made us. Understand His supremacy, power, grace and most of all His LOVE.

Now, after i have accepted the reality. I am beginning to depend on Him. Realising our shortcomings is not always easy. Pride blinds us. Its upto us to constantly remind ourselves of the nothingness we came from and the greatness that we can achieve through Him.

My project is finally headed somewhere. So what if its not a fiery start. A start nevertheless.

Today was officially my worst day… ever!

“I do not understand what I do. For what i want to do, i do not do, but what i hate, i do.” Romans 7:15

So many times i feel myself in a similar situation. Thats when i have to realize how incapable i am of doin anything right on my own.  Have to accept it, and ask for help.

There is no specific reason for this post. Just somethin i was pondering over.

WHY do we gossip when we know how much harm it does??? Yes this question holds for all those million + things we do knowing how incorrect they r.

But “gossip” in particular is somethin i am trying to rid myself these days…. but invariably it catches up to me… mayb not in the form of me doin it…. maybe the other way round.

Sometimes i find myself in a situation and i dont know how landed myself there…

Gossip is so irresistable i know… we find ourselves doing it without even realising it… and sometimes… we know it… but just choose to give it fancy names and continue doing it.

But what we dont realise, is the extent to which it hampers our thinking, our feelings for someone, our attitude towards someone, our even our behaviour. It is entirely psychological, so dont go shaking your head with the ” nah it doesnt affect me” attitude. We dont know it… but it happens…

So many times i have made a mistake in judging people too soon… and that too based not on first hand experience but on some “slimy” gossip.

Not only does it effect the participants…. but also a mere bystander, a passive listener becomes prey to it.

So next time, lets just watch what we say and what we hear…

Hum, rahen ya na rahen kal
Kal yaad aayenge ye pal
Pal, ye hain pyar ke pal
Chal, aa mere sang chal
Chal, soche kya
Chhoti si, hai zindagi
Kal, mil jaaye to hogi khush-naseebi

Hum rahen ya na rahen yaad aayenge ye pal
That is a song by KK.

Yes its time… But I choose to believe that this is not the end….. I choose to believe that I will keep in touch with the people i love and cherish as friends. I choose to believe that we will meet again… and again…and again….

 Am I being a fool??? time will tell.