InSidE oUt

Its been way too long. And I dont even have an excuse. Just plain bored and lazy to update. So latest from me would be, college is over. Project is over. Am now in coimbatore with flav. Leaving the city for good in a coupla days. “Mixed emotions” racing through my head (cant help the cliche’). Blogs all around me seem to be “crying” at the prospect of leaving. The reality has not yet hit me face to face. Better this way aint it?

Have no idea what lies ahead. But the HOPE is what keeps me going. Looking forward to my last few days in vizag. Looking forward to the uncertainity of tomorrow.

Frankly speaking am not really used to “it” happening. I manage to get my way(almost always) by nagging, whining, cribbing, crying, begging, pleading, scaring, emotionally blackmailing and various other ways as long as it is within my place to do somethin about it(not denying that i have not done it otherwise). Call me childish, immature, self-obsessed, vain but that does not change the fact that I have done it in the past and  I have been doing it without so much as to giving it a second thought. Until recently(may not be your defintion of recent), when due to circumstances and certain experiences, I was made to introspect myself. I could so clearly spot all these areas in my life that totally disgusted me. Am in the process of change like almost every other individual who has had these “experiences” I am talking about.

Past coupla days have brought with them news that I would not exactly call “glad tidings”. My dad is getting posted back to cochin, which happens to be the only place i detest out of all the places i have been to. Why? Not so good memories, not having any friends, the whole “green” atmosphere saps all the happiness outta me. But the main reason I was not open to the idea of moving rather my parents moving, is that I have fallen in love with Vizag. Mostly the church and the people I have gotten to know in the past few years. Am gonna miss them sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. The church has been such an AMAZING source of strength and it was only in vizag that I could see what the bible says bout a church actually exists. I will hold the church really close to my heart wherever I go. Wish things dint have to happen this way. But I know there has to be a purpose for everything that happens. And as long as it is as per His plan, I dont think it is my place to “crib” about it.

And the latest blow, I have to stay back in chennai for an extra 2 weeks as per the wishes of my project manager. I guess its better than having to come back later on. But I had my mind set on spending time in the hostel. This would mean lesser time in the hostel but I guess a better completion.

Man, when God is teaching, He REALLY teaches.

Do I know myself at all? Have i ever made an attempt to do that? Have I made any progress if i have? Why cant I just carry on living without having to “introspect” my actions? Aint ignorance bliss??? Does it really take that much of effort to get to know urself? I mean how hard can it be right? Its U? Who else would know U if not U?? Whats wrong with me? Am I the only one who knows nothing (or not enough) about one’s self or thinks that way?? Is it wrong to not want to know yourself? How on earth can  I be a better person if I dont know myself? Do i want to be a better person? Of course i do! Am i willing to pay the price for that? Am I?

Any answers?

The View from a Ship

Why did God give us feelings? Wouldn’t life be easier if we lived without them? Wouldn’t we be able to accomplish so much more without feelings getting in the way? Can you imagine a life without guilt, anxiety, fear and the mother of all feelings – pain. Of course, on the flipside, a life without feelings would be a life without love, affection, pleasure, joy and happiness. But how much of those things do we really feel on the larger scale of things. It seems to me that most of us live more of life with the ugly side feelings than with the good.

But you could argue that our experience of feelings is entirely subjective. You feel as good or as bad as you want to. Happiness is a choice, they would say. But what do we do if we can’t find the strength to make that choice, sometimes in the face of irreversible pain. Is it a lack in our willingness or in our ability?

So many of the greatest minds, men and lives testify to the fact that it was the hardest times in their lives that made them who they were. For instance, Malcolm Muggeridge said he had learnt more from pain than from all the success of his illustrious journalistic career. But not everyone shares that view of pain with any form of eagerness. Opponents would say that pain is nothing short of being absolutely meaningless.

All I know is that when I have felt good, emotions seemed like a gift from God and when I have felt bad, they seemed to be a curse upon men. The value of emotions is priceless in times of pleasure and worthless in times of pain. So why feel?

I think that some form of the answer lies in the fundamental assumption that joy and pain can co-exist. While the weight of emotions take their toll on a soul that is weary it is the joy that comes from knowing God and His good purpose that keeps our ships from sinking.

I think that the reason God gives us feelings in spite of the possibility of intense pain is the same as one of the reasons that a ship goes out to sail in spite of the possibility of sinking – because it places its faith in a captain who will guide the ship even through treacherous waters and perhaps because the view alone is worth it. The best of feelings is greater than the worst of pain; and when you have a captain who has promised to lead you home, the joy outweighs the pain.

The past coupla weeks have been hard. Hard, not because of being an object of ridicule or any illness or harassment at work or anythin else that might be making a normal persons life miserable. There was this constant heaviness in the eair that kinda brought down my spirits. Some form of burden that was not goin away even after a good nights sleep. I was not even able to drown it away like I usually do for things that bother. Even ignorance did not seem to work. What was it? And why wasn’t it leaving me.

 Whats been bothering me is something i realised only much later.

Ever since i can remember. I never really had trouble in anything that had remotely to do with academics. In the sense, I could score well, grasp well and basically never been in a situation where i had to really exert myelf to “learn” except this one time when i had to learn social studies in hindi….. sheesh!!!  I would say, these were things that came naturally to me. Or so i was under the impression.

It is because of this past, that I had totally underrated God’s Grace and became oblivious to the fact that I never did anything to deserve any of the things that i have been blessed with. It is just out of His sheer mercy. It never occured to me that life could be otherwise. That i will have to go through a struggle to grasp, to understand, to think. I am referring to my project situation here.

It is now, during the past weeks, the initial coding stages of my project that i have come to the realization, that situations can be either way. For the first time, I had to struggle. Struggle to program, something which i love and something which i thought was second nature to me.( PLS NOTE THE WORD “THOUGHT”—> meaning i KNOW I AM WRONG). I was going through a form of depression without really knowing it. This sunday at church. It dawned on me. The truth. I could see the wounded ego/pride in myself. And how much of damage it had done.

 What’s essential is not to forget the source of strength. Not to forget the reality of who we are. The dust that we came from, the mere mortals that we are and will be. And also not to forget who we are in Christ Jesus. Then understand the greatness of the one who made us. Understand His supremacy, power, grace and most of all His LOVE.

Now, after i have accepted the reality. I am beginning to depend on Him. Realising our shortcomings is not always easy. Pride blinds us. Its upto us to constantly remind ourselves of the nothingness we came from and the greatness that we can achieve through Him.

My project is finally headed somewhere. So what if its not a fiery start. A start nevertheless.

WHY do we gossip when we know how much harm it does??? Yes this question holds for all those million + things we do knowing how incorrect they r.

But “gossip” in particular is somethin i am trying to rid myself these days…. but invariably it catches up to me… mayb not in the form of me doin it…. maybe the other way round.

Sometimes i find myself in a situation and i dont know how landed myself there…

Gossip is so irresistable i know… we find ourselves doing it without even realising it… and sometimes… we know it… but just choose to give it fancy names and continue doing it.

But what we dont realise, is the extent to which it hampers our thinking, our feelings for someone, our attitude towards someone, our even our behaviour. It is entirely psychological, so dont go shaking your head with the ” nah it doesnt affect me” attitude. We dont know it… but it happens…

So many times i have made a mistake in judging people too soon… and that too based not on first hand experience but on some “slimy” gossip.

Not only does it effect the participants…. but also a mere bystander, a passive listener becomes prey to it.

So next time, lets just watch what we say and what we hear…

What is it bout trust that makes u regret everytime u do…. I have no idea why i am talkin bout this… ppl pls dont try reading between the lines.

There is a delicate line between trust and distrust(yes there is a word like that) which is so easy to cross. And once it crosses over to the negative, it is very difficult to get back to home ground… very difficult. Be it me or anyone else. Its is the same always…

i know i have disregarded a form of blind trust  once upon a time… and have repented and am still in the process of gainin it back. But never did i know how bad it is when u r on the receiving end of a similar story.

“Trust” is very precious …. not to be wasted on ppl who dont care and not to be taken advantage of from ppl who care a lot.

I must clarify that my title doesnt target love as such, but the hours of futile discussions most ppl have on “love”. Debates, movies, discussions… and what not….. Just to ‘try’ and define LOVE.

In my opinion.. the bible gives the most classic definition of love….

I Corinthians 13 describes love in a manner that no one can argue about it….

“Love is patient, LOve is Kind, It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres….. Love never fails.”

It is sad that it took a movie to remind me that the bible has answers to everything….. everything.

And to all those of us who ‘think’ we are in the blissful oblivion of love….. Its time for a reality check… dont u think???

Wanted to share somethin that touched me during the last one week…. Something i am trying to implement in my life…. coz i havent taken care of it for quite some time….

It has been taken from selwyn hughes’ Everyday With Jesus

It goes like this
“The conviction that the matter of relationships is a key issue in the universe has deepened within me over the years(says hughes). All biblical history is a record of God calling individuals and communities of ppl to a relationship with Himself bcoz thats “the supreme purpose of life”. In the words of the Shorter Westminster Catechism, ‘The chief end of mankind is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever’( its based on 1 Corinthians 10:31-whether u eat or drink, do it all for the glory of god and Psalms 73:25-26-God is the strength of my heart and my potion forevr)
We are designed to “relate”, and when our relationships are loving and “other centered”, we reflect the design of the Trinity in the highest and most glorious manner possible.
The Bible is a manual intended to help us discover the true purpose of life and to grow in it. Have u ever wondered y there r so many accounts of relationships in the Bible. It is crammed with stories of ppl relating well or not relating well. The content of the bible is not propositional but “relational”.
Now let me go a stage further and say somethin that might surprise u.
“Almost every problem we have in life( if its not biological) will stem from a difficulty in relationships- our relationships with God, with others or with ourselves.”

Our relationships probably give the best XRAY of the condition of our soul, for our true dedication to God will show itself in the way we relate to Him, to others and to ourself.
Remember, we are not mechanical beings- we r personal, made in God’s image. That means there is always something going on between ourselves and others. And what goes on ought, if we truly are His, to reflect His attitude towards us.”

Colossians 3:12 says: …Clothe youselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience….

This really made me think bout how i have been relating to ppl. and i realized its not been good…. Many straining relationships…. and I need to change…. Just praying for the grace of God to help me.