InSidE oUt

Frankly speaking am not really used to “it” happening. I manage to get my way(almost always) by nagging, whining, cribbing, crying, begging, pleading, scaring, emotionally blackmailing and various other ways as long as it is within my place to do somethin about it(not denying that i have not done it otherwise). Call me childish, immature, self-obsessed, vain but that does not change the fact that I have done it in the past and  I have been doing it without so much as to giving it a second thought. Until recently(may not be your defintion of recent), when due to circumstances and certain experiences, I was made to introspect myself. I could so clearly spot all these areas in my life that totally disgusted me. Am in the process of change like almost every other individual who has had these “experiences” I am talking about.

Past coupla days have brought with them news that I would not exactly call “glad tidings”. My dad is getting posted back to cochin, which happens to be the only place i detest out of all the places i have been to. Why? Not so good memories, not having any friends, the whole “green” atmosphere saps all the happiness outta me. But the main reason I was not open to the idea of moving rather my parents moving, is that I have fallen in love with Vizag. Mostly the church and the people I have gotten to know in the past few years. Am gonna miss them sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. The church has been such an AMAZING source of strength and it was only in vizag that I could see what the bible says bout a church actually exists. I will hold the church really close to my heart wherever I go. Wish things dint have to happen this way. But I know there has to be a purpose for everything that happens. And as long as it is as per His plan, I dont think it is my place to “crib” about it.

And the latest blow, I have to stay back in chennai for an extra 2 weeks as per the wishes of my project manager. I guess its better than having to come back later on. But I had my mind set on spending time in the hostel. This would mean lesser time in the hostel but I guess a better completion.

Man, when God is teaching, He REALLY teaches.

Woke up today to the “information” that the outgoing service from my cellphone service provider has been blocked. Its shocking how heartless and extremely blunt the SMS was : ” Outgoing service being barred” . Reason being, non-submition of address proof. Which i know for a fact has been done twice in the past one year. I have no idea what they want from me. I think its an international conspiracy against me!

Word of advice: Never Ever choose your service provider based on what your parents say is good.

Basically now my proj manager thinks that we will be of more use to them by working from office. So its back to the 8 hour rut, the dusty,long and claustrophobic bus journeys. I hate to admit it, but I think working from there is definitely a much better idea. I mean lookin past the initial ackwardness and desperate lack of chairs at work, things are pretty good.

We discovered today that we are allowed to use the coffee dispenser and also eat at the cafeteria. Yes, it should have been obvious, but it wasnt! So thanks to Ms Anna & Ms Meryl we stumbled upon this reality. To think that we spent 3 months without givin it a thought ever!

Been 3 months since my “close encounter of a technical kind” began. I have finally realised how totally monotonous and extremely boring it is to look at a computer screen all day, all through the week. Its time I take my future plans seriously. Do i really wanna spend my life doing this? For the initial few years, I have no choice! After that? What happens? I need a plan, direction, motivation, and will power. Its time I decide.

The View from a Ship

Why did God give us feelings? Wouldn’t life be easier if we lived without them? Wouldn’t we be able to accomplish so much more without feelings getting in the way? Can you imagine a life without guilt, anxiety, fear and the mother of all feelings – pain. Of course, on the flipside, a life without feelings would be a life without love, affection, pleasure, joy and happiness. But how much of those things do we really feel on the larger scale of things. It seems to me that most of us live more of life with the ugly side feelings than with the good.

But you could argue that our experience of feelings is entirely subjective. You feel as good or as bad as you want to. Happiness is a choice, they would say. But what do we do if we can’t find the strength to make that choice, sometimes in the face of irreversible pain. Is it a lack in our willingness or in our ability?

So many of the greatest minds, men and lives testify to the fact that it was the hardest times in their lives that made them who they were. For instance, Malcolm Muggeridge said he had learnt more from pain than from all the success of his illustrious journalistic career. But not everyone shares that view of pain with any form of eagerness. Opponents would say that pain is nothing short of being absolutely meaningless.

All I know is that when I have felt good, emotions seemed like a gift from God and when I have felt bad, they seemed to be a curse upon men. The value of emotions is priceless in times of pleasure and worthless in times of pain. So why feel?

I think that some form of the answer lies in the fundamental assumption that joy and pain can co-exist. While the weight of emotions take their toll on a soul that is weary it is the joy that comes from knowing God and His good purpose that keeps our ships from sinking.

I think that the reason God gives us feelings in spite of the possibility of intense pain is the same as one of the reasons that a ship goes out to sail in spite of the possibility of sinking – because it places its faith in a captain who will guide the ship even through treacherous waters and perhaps because the view alone is worth it. The best of feelings is greater than the worst of pain; and when you have a captain who has promised to lead you home, the joy outweighs the pain.

The past coupla weeks have been hard. Hard, not because of being an object of ridicule or any illness or harassment at work or anythin else that might be making a normal persons life miserable. There was this constant heaviness in the eair that kinda brought down my spirits. Some form of burden that was not goin away even after a good nights sleep. I was not even able to drown it away like I usually do for things that bother. Even ignorance did not seem to work. What was it? And why wasn’t it leaving me.

 Whats been bothering me is something i realised only much later.

Ever since i can remember. I never really had trouble in anything that had remotely to do with academics. In the sense, I could score well, grasp well and basically never been in a situation where i had to really exert myelf to “learn” except this one time when i had to learn social studies in hindi….. sheesh!!!  I would say, these were things that came naturally to me. Or so i was under the impression.

It is because of this past, that I had totally underrated God’s Grace and became oblivious to the fact that I never did anything to deserve any of the things that i have been blessed with. It is just out of His sheer mercy. It never occured to me that life could be otherwise. That i will have to go through a struggle to grasp, to understand, to think. I am referring to my project situation here.

It is now, during the past weeks, the initial coding stages of my project that i have come to the realization, that situations can be either way. For the first time, I had to struggle. Struggle to program, something which i love and something which i thought was second nature to me.( PLS NOTE THE WORD “THOUGHT”—> meaning i KNOW I AM WRONG). I was going through a form of depression without really knowing it. This sunday at church. It dawned on me. The truth. I could see the wounded ego/pride in myself. And how much of damage it had done.

 What’s essential is not to forget the source of strength. Not to forget the reality of who we are. The dust that we came from, the mere mortals that we are and will be. And also not to forget who we are in Christ Jesus. Then understand the greatness of the one who made us. Understand His supremacy, power, grace and most of all His LOVE.

Now, after i have accepted the reality. I am beginning to depend on Him. Realising our shortcomings is not always easy. Pride blinds us. Its upto us to constantly remind ourselves of the nothingness we came from and the greatness that we can achieve through Him.

My project is finally headed somewhere. So what if its not a fiery start. A start nevertheless.

A recent revelation. Most problems u might be facing in your life right now, u will find, might have in some way or the other trace back its origin to a miscommuncation or lack of communication or no communication at all.

Think bout it. Your last fight with your friend, parents, siblings, boyfriend/girlfriend? So many times, we take people for granted. Expect them to “know”,”understand”, “adjust”. We just fail to see the need to word our thoughts.

And I am not just talking bout people. Consider your relationship with God. How often do we take Him for granted, how often do we ask him to “adjust” his schedule with ours. How often do we just expect him to “know” our needs, “understand” how busy we are. Not that he doesnt. He does. But he is just waiting for the time when we stop keeping him on the sidelines and make him the star player of our life. And communicate with him. Tell Him how great he is, how much we need him, and how much we are grateful for all He has done.